In Search of Love

“So, Miss Natasha,” the middle-aged interviewer addressed me and glanced at me while going through my resume. He then asked, “Why did you leave Perth? You must have been earning good money there. Why did you return to India?”
Nervously, I clasped my hands underneath the table and answered, “Sir, my Ma has been diagnosed with cancer. I had to return home to look after her.”

“Oh!” He remarked while nodding in understanding and asked, “I hope she is doing fine now?”

“Well her treatments and therapies are still on.”

“Uh-huh. I’m sure your mother will recover soon,” he replied, appearing to be interested in my situation. “So, who else is there to look after her once you join work?”

“I’ve hired a nurse to take care of Ma.”

“I see,” he replied, glancing at my resume again.

Although he didn’t look rude, I could perceive from his body language and my job-hunting experience in India that he wasn’t keen on hiring me. He probably felt I would not give my hundred per cent to work because of my mother’s condition.

“Sir, don’t worry, I will do my best in the job. The lady looking after Ma is well versed with her, so I am at ease.” I shifted in my chair and tried to convince him about my dedication to work.

Though his mind seemed made up, unlike other interviewers, he did go through my resume and asked a few more questions regarding my prior experiences. Probably, he was looking for more genuine reasons to reject me.

As predicted, he asked, “Why is there a gap after your education in Perth? What were you doing during those nine months?”

“I was looking for a good opportunity but didn’t get any,” I lied. I couldn’t possibly tell him that I was seeking a fairy tale in a fake marriage. Or that I had even given up my job because my fake father-in-law asked me to help in his business instead of working in my fake husband’s company. ‘It won’t look nice working in the same company where he is the boss while you work as an administrator,’ he had said. ‘And he won’t pay you better than me!’

I had laughed at it and agreed to his condition, only to realise he never intended for me to work at his firm. In fact, he never invited me to join while I waited for him for four months.

When I had asked Jai about it, he had replied, “It was Dad’s way of asking you to stop working and stay at home.”

“But he is the owner of such a big company. How can he be so narrow-minded? I don’t think it’s true,” I responded, rolling my eyes. Why would his father do this to me?

Jai flashed a sarcastic smile at my naivety. “Then tell me, how else could he proclaim to the world that his daughter-in-law is at home enjoying at the expense of his hard-earned money?”

I gave him a small smile, assuming that he was testing me. “You are just playing around with me!”

“So, why hasn’t he asked you to come to his company and start working?” He raised his brows, forcing me to deliberate a valid reason. Then, with a wry smile, he added, “Natasha, I know him well. He is my father, and I know how he plays his tricks.”

Spellbound, I gaped at him.

Jai had continued, “Take my advice. It’s already been four months since you left your job. So, it’s no point speaking to him about it anymore. In a month, or so I will get the money, and you can leave this place for good.”

The interviewer cleared his throat and placed my resume on the table, breaking my chain of thoughts. “Natasha, I would like to help you,” the interviewer began and then added, “But it’s against our company policy to hire someone with a gap of more than three months in their career.”

“Thank you for your time, Sir,” I replied mechanically and stood up to leave. Just as I was about to step out of the door, I turned and said, “Sir, you know what?”

He looked up at me with a questioning gaze.

“Companies always want the best candidates to work for them, but they are not even ready to give them a chance, ignoring their small flaws!” I complained, feeling utterly reproachful towards the interviewer and other interviewers like him. I was tired of all the rejections after facing multiple rounds of interviews in various companies. It was demoralising and disconcerting. I had to let out the steam which had gradually built within me.

“It’s not like that. We-” the interviewer fumbled, taken aback at my outspokenness.

Before he could utter his excuses, I added, “It’s okay, Sir. Not your fault. Maybe the day when companies in India will start doing this, people will no longer consider relocating to foreign countries for jobs.” After speaking my mind, I walked away from there, feeling a sense of relief and satisfaction.

Since my return to India, I had been on my toes looking after Ma and getting her treatment done. Four months went by in a flash, and by the time I decided to look for a job, I realised I had a total nine month gap since completing my MBA. Only if I had worked in Jai’s company instead of trusting his father!

I wonder whether having skills is more important or having a perfect resume with referrals and without gaps.

With the rising medical bills for Ma’s treatment, my financial situation gradually plummeted towards that of a beggar. I had to get a job urgently. But the question was, where do I look for one?

The third interview of the week and the twentieth of this month turned out as unsuccessful as the others. Depressed, I took a seat in a coffee shop. Desperation was leading me nowhere, and the companies’ rules left me utterly frustrated.

I put my hands down and decided to look for other ways to earn money.

Sipping my coffee, I caught sight of a pamphlet stuck on the notice board, ‘Looking for fresh faces for a popular Media agency.’

I wasn’t sure whether I was qualified to be a model, but since I had no other options available, I decided to give it a try.

After noting the details of the advertisement, I did some research about the company and about the kind of modelling they usually do.

On the audition day, I changed into a pair of denim jeans with a red tank top instead of fitting into a dress that I wasn’t comfortable in. Then, adding a bit of lipstick and mascara, I twirled around, feeling my best.

However, the moment I stepped in at the venue and glanced around, all my confidence vanished into thin air. Research cannot instil the belief that experience gives! I mumbled to myself, feeling dejected.

The girls appeared five to six years younger than me and much taller in height. Though my physical features were no less, I wasn’t as skinny as them. All my conviction dwindled, and it felt like a big mistake to come here.

But I was in a dire state. Beggars can’t be choosers, I thought to myself and found an empty seat in the waiting area. The place was abuzz with all sorts of people. Some of the women there were with their agents, while some were on their own. Some seemed like acquaintances and chatted with animated expressions, while some were quiet. Some appeared nervous, pretty much like me, and some looked confident despite the noise.

The more I observed, the more out of place I felt. Therefore, to calm my anxiety, I took out a book from my bag and started to read.

“What are you doing here?” I heard someone asking while I was immersed in the book.

I didn’t look up, assuming that the person must’ve spoken to someone else. But then the person called out, “Are you trying to hide from me, Natie?”

The voice, coupled with the name, rang a bell in the deep recesses of my memory, making me look up briskly. The familiar face brought about an instant smile. “Akash! What a surprise!”

“I would be delighted if you’ll say you’ve come to meet me!” he remarked, his eyes glistening with mirth.

I smiled as I stood up. “Yeah, kind of. If you are the organiser of this campaign or the judge for selecting a suitable model, I would have to say I’ve definitely come to meet you.”

“Good one!” Before he could say anything more, someone called out to him. He glanced in the direction of the sound and nodded. Then, turning back to me, he added, “Sorry, I’ll be back in five minutes.”

“How do you know him?” A girl sitting next to me asked as I took my seat.

“He is my college friend. Why?” I asked her.

“He is a famous Advertising Director, one whom everyone knows in the modelling industry,” she replied, admiration evident in her voice.

“Oh! I didn’t know,” I mumbled, a little taken aback at the mention. Just then, a woman approached me and handed me a form with the instructions to fill in my details. As I scribbled in my replies, the girl sitting beside me asked again, “Have you done any assignments before?”

When I shook my head to say ‘no’, she looked at me with disbelief and added, “Don’t you think you are a bit old to start with this profession?”

My brows knit together in annoyance at her rude comment. But before I could reply, the woman who had handed me the form, instantly answered, “Miss, we are looking for fresh faces, irrespective of age. All we need are people who can give a favourable impression. And if we go by looks, she is well suited and can give a tough competition to many!”

I looked at her with appreciation when she winked at me and added, “Take my advice, don’t let others decide what you will become. I’ve been there and know it well.”

“Thanks a lot!” I handed her the form with a smile on my face. Whatever fear and inhibitions I had in my mind about my suitability for the campaign was gone after the lady’s remark.

Some strangers do make an impression of a lifetime on you!

I sat down, thinking over her words when my phone began to ring.

“Hey, Akash here,” I heard a man say. “Don’t talk, just go out, and my assistant will guide you to come from the other side of the gate.”

“What, why?” I was perplexed by his suggestion.

“Just listen to me, and go down right now. I will explain later,” Akash instructed and hung up. I acted as per his instruction, though not sure why he asked me to do so.

Ten minutes later, a man guided me to a room where Akash was seated behind a huge desk. The same lady who had asked me to fill the form was standing beside him.

“One tea, please,” Akash said to the man who escorted me and introduced me to the woman. “This is my friend, Natasha, and Natie, this is Tanisha, my assistant. Tanisha, I want you to groom her up to be a model. Please see to it that the agency approves of her. I want her as the face of our new campaign.”

“She looks good, but I think she has no experience.” Tanisha looked from him to me.

“Yes, she is a fresher,” Akash nodded, appearing optimistic. I stared at him in disbelief. What was he so confident about? Tanisha’s expertise or my skills?

Tanisha appeared perplexed. “I don’t think we have enough time to brief her. Is it possible if we put her in another work instead of this one?” Concern adorned her eyes which were bound by thin spectacles. She stepped towards Akash, her frail figure accentuating her simple white floral mid-length dress. She looked more knowledgeable and mature than the rest of the staff I had met.

The enthusiasm she had poured out for me in the waiting area had left a good impression on me. I felt like helping her out of the impossible predicament. “Akash, it’s okay. I just came here to try. You don’t have to worry. I’ll be fine,” I tried explaining.

Completely disregarding my words, Akash said pointedly to her, “Tanisha, she is smart and quick. And much better than the dumb girls we work with. All I want is for you to tell her the basics, and she will be fine.” He turned towards me and added, “Natie, you don’t need to worry. I know you can pull it off!”

“But the auditions have already started. We don’t have time to groom her!” Tanisha put forth her objection in a panicky voice.

“I’m the Advertising Director, right? Leave that problem to me! I know how to set up things. Let the auditions be there; we’ll have two contestants for the final selection for the agency panel.” With these words, he stood up and rushed out.

Upon hearing Akash’s impossible expectations, Tanisha turned pale.

“I’m sorry to land you up in trouble,” I apologised, feeling bad for her.

“That’s fine,” she grimaced with an unhappy look. “I’m used to it by now.” She placed her notebook on the table and sighed. She then looked at me, her lips curling up.

A smile cropped up on my face. I could correlate the expression many times with mine. Whatever mess you are in, put up a smile and sigh, ‘life is harsh.’

“He is an excellent friend. I hope he isn’t a bad boss,” I tried to lighten her mood.

“At times, I am fed up with his attitude, but sometimes, I think he uses me to vent out his frustration!” she remarked with a frown. “Forget it! We don’t have time to discuss him right now.” Then, taking charge of the work assigned to her, she pulled a chair, sat down and added, “Let’s start with what you know, and then, I’ll brief you with all you need to know.”

Tanisha heard me as I told whatever I knew about what was expected of me and was patient enough to answer my queries. Then, she led me to the stylist for a bit of make-up.

An hour later, Akash gave me a call to come over to the audition hall.

“He is asking me to come over,” I said, getting cold feet.

Tanisha nodded her head and said assuringly, “Relax. You’ll do well.”

I kept the phone down and clasped her hand, “I don’t want to audition anymore!”

“Take my word, you’ll do a splendid job!” Tanisha patted my arm and added, “Remember, not everybody gets this opportunity. If Akash believes in you, then you have it in you!”

Her words were consoling, but the fear of facing the experienced judges adept at finding flaws made my confidence go low.

As soon as the light flashed on my face, I cringed and thought of running away. “You can do it!” Tanisha’s voice from the side passage made me take back the thought. I slowly walked towards the centre of the stage with a forced smile to face the judges, only to tumble down and fall flat on my face.

There was silence all around, and my heart raced. Soon after, the sound of laughter resounded in my ears, making me go red with embarrassment. Feeling utterly humiliated, I got up and rushed out. As I entered backstage, people glanced at me and snickered while discussing in whispers; they had probably witnessed my fall. Hiding my face with my hands, I tried to find a place where I could sneak in. Blindly hurrying into an empty room, I closed the door instantly.

“Natasha, come over right now!” Akash’s voice boomed in the corridor outside.

“Please let me go. I can’t do this,” I replied back, nervousness engulfing me, making me wish to dig a hole and hide within.

“Natasha, open up,” Akash softly knocked on the door. “There’s nothing to fear. I’m right here for you.”

I opened the door, but the terror of facing the crowd made me numb.

“Akash, I can’t do this!” I pleaded with him, my eyes restlessly eyeing him and the stage. “I had assumed it would be easy, but facing the crowd had made me go blank.”

“I know you can do it. Remember who you are!” Akash cajoled, his grip tight on my wrist, not giving me the slightest opportunity to run away. I looked at him, trying to recall what was so heroic I had done in my life that Akash was so confident.

After a brief pause, he continued, “I’ve never met someone as confident as you! You remember, right after you joined college, you suddenly had seizures one afternoon and then had fainted?”

I nodded, wondering where he was going. The incident was as clear as day in my mind because it was one of those occasions where I had no control over myself. “Yes, everyone was laughing at me when I returned the next day,” I said, giving a sigh.

“True, the next day when you came to college, everybody looked at you as if you had committed a crime,” he added. He held my arms and continued, “You stood in the middle of the classroom, stared at everyone and said, ‘Yes, I suffer from seizures, and it’s not something I wanted to be born with. It’s hard, but it doesn’t stop me from moving. So if you have little courtesy, don’t make my problem appear big, just because you don’t suffer from it!’”

“You remember?!” I asked, taken aback as he repeated my words verbatim.

“You made an impact straight on my heart with your words. I’ve spent six years in college doing double graduation, but I never met anyone as bold and strong as you!” His eyes glistened, reflecting his deep-rooted respect for me.

I was hooked to his gaze for a second but then looked away abruptly. “I’m not that strong now. Life has thrown me around, and I can’t even meet my own eyes.” With my head cast down, dejectedly, I mumbled, “I’m lost, unable to find myself.”

“C’mon, you can’t give up without even giving it a try. Ok, let’s do this. Forget about this campaign. But in the next one, you have to give your best!” His encouraging words made me sigh with relief. At least it was over for now.

“Till then, I’ll make sure you are well prepared, ready to face the crowd and the camera!” he said with a smile. “Give me ten minutes. I’ll wrap up everything, and then we’ll go for some coffee.”

I smiled at his back as he rushed away towards the audition hall. It had been around four years since I had last met him, and he was still the same, always willing to help and giving me the strength to shine. A few of my close friends often teased me with his name and tried to convince me that he was not just fond of me but had more profound feelings. But we never brought that topic up in our friendship.

Right now, finding love and living a fairy tale life had taken the backseat. I didn’t want to think along those lines. Moreover, Jai still occupied my mind and a sizable portion of my heart.

Whenever I thought of my time with him, I couldn’t believe that anything about our relationship had been fake. Even though it all started with a win-win arrangement, everything about us was far from mere pretence. At times, I was taken aback by his honesty and genuineness. He even shared his plans when he was going on a secret date to meet a girl he had met at a party. I had hoped that he wouldn’t get intimate with her because I wanted him to be mine, but alas, it was just a wish, and wishes are like tampered feathers of a butterfly that cannot fly.

I swiped my phone screen at the sound of a notification.

No antidepressants and alcohol. Only exercise, yoga, and a healthy diet. It’s an order from Jai 🙂

My face automatically curled up in a smile, and a few drops of tears escaped my eyes. Ever since I fell in love with him, my feelings only grew with each passing day. I wished to be with him forever. I accompanied him to parties and get-togethers, giving him company in drinks till dawn, hoping that he would reciprocate my feelings one day. But there were no signs from him.

As a result of all that drinking, I collapsed on the floor one night. My eyes stared far away while I couldn’t feel a thing. Then, a few seconds later, I felt warmth seeping into my body, and I blinked, regaining consciousness.

I stared at the dark brown orbs, eyeing me with concern. “Let’s take her to a doctor,” I heard someone say and then felt being lifted up in someone’s arms. I was in no position to see who it was, but my senses recognised his touch. Jai’s fingers kept caressing my face and my hair while holding me in a protective embrace. Feeling safe in his arms, I succumbed to tiredness and passed out.

Quite sometime later, when I opened my eyes, I found myself lying on the car seat. When he noticed I was awake, he said, “You fainted all of a sudden.”

“Oh, I didn’t realise,” I uttered.

“Don’t worry. We are going to a doctor now,” he added with a smile.

“Have you ever collapsed like this before?” asked the doctor as he examined me.

“I suffer from seizures. It was frequent until college, and then I didn’t have any fit for a long time. I thought that I had recovered but don’t know how it returned,” I replied in a low, raspy voice. I glanced sideways at Jai, trying to read his thoughts. Did he find me repulsive, much like many of my college mates, or did he pity me for being sick?

Much against my suspicions, he blinked at me with assurance in his eyes.

“Are you facing any kind of stress?”

When I shook my head, he asked, “Any new habits or changes in your lifestyle?”

A lump formed in my throat as I knew it was due to my increased alcohol intake and irregular sleep.

“Are you taking proper rest?” he asked as he looked at me for answers.

“I think that’s the issue, doctor.” Jai suddenly spoke up. “She’s not resting well these days and has been partying all night! You’re right! Her lifestyle has drastically changed over the past month.”

I was speechless and clenched my jaws. Is it because I love partying and drinking, or is it all because of him? I did it all to be with him so that he would appreciate my presence. But he seemed to be accusing me of changing my lifestyle!

The next second, I let out a sigh. It was not Jai’s fault. He clearly wasn’t aware of my feelings, and neither was he aware that I did it all for him. Love makes people do things, which they wouldn’t do otherwise. To add to it, I was hopelessly romantic about him, dreaming of being one with him, emotionally attached to him, painting fancy pictures of our future together. Sometimes, my heart feels like a fragile piece of red crystal that will be shattered because of my fairytale beliefs! But, for once, I wanted to believe in them, and I wanted nothing but this man in my life!

If someone asked me the reason, I wouldn’t be able to name it. In matters of the heart, we can’t tell why it functions out of the way, just for a few people in life.

“What are you thinking about?” Jai asked as we left the doctor’s cabin.

When I shook my head, he continued, “Remember, no more late-night parties and too many drinks.”

“Hmm,” I uttered dejectedly. My only way of being with him has been restricted. How am I supposed to stay with him now? He was busy during the daytime with his office and spent his evenings socialising. When would I spend time with him now?

“What happened to you? Don’t take so much stress. Just take care of your health,” he said, ruffling my hair. He then added, “Give me your phone.”

When I unlocked and passed him my phone, he typed something and handed it back. “I have added a weekly reminder for you for the next year so that you sleep on time. Also, no alcohol, and it’s my order! Understood?”

He never commanded me, so this time when he uttered such a sweet order, I couldn’t help but smile and nod my head. “Yes, sir.”

“Are you fine, Natasha?” Tanisha’s voice interrupted my chain of thoughts.

“Yes,” I nodded. “I’m okay now, but I was too scared earlier. I’m sorry I let all your hard work go to waste,” I added, looking at her with pitiful eyes.

“No worries, everyone gets nervous the first time they go on stage. Many great models too had to go through this phase in their lives,” she said sweetly.

“Thanks, Tanisha,” I said.

“Shall we go?” Akash asked, coming inside. “Tanisha, take care of the rest of the event and let me know if anything comes up,” he ordered her, pulling me out along with him.

“Sure, I will.” Tanisha pursed her lips and pretended to smile. I could make out that she didn’t like the tone of Akash’s voice. but having no option, she obliged without complaints.

I picked up my purse from the table and dismissed the reminder that Jai had set on my phone, letting go of the memories that left lingering pain within me.